Kirsten van der Linden | Blog EN

Panick Attack

Last night I had a panic attack. Well, it felt like in the middle of the night, but it was already six in the morning. The attack was telling me the following things:

‘’Oh my God, what am I doing!!?? All the sentences started with: I cannot… It is impossible… I don’t know how to manage… And the end of this agonizing attack, which kept me from sleeping and get the rest I need so hard, I thought: Maybe I shouldn’t go to Nepal at all… be smart, save money, don’t take these risks. And also the question rose: Tell me again why I am doing this? Why do I want this at all? I have a lovely life here. You really should know how fortunate we are to live in Holland. I have a nice place to live, opportunities to make a successful business in my own country is everywhere, I have my sweet friends, my family, my comfort zone… And still I am doing this’’.

According to the above described madness, today I would like to share with you a quote of a book I am reading. These lines describe exactly what I am going through. By reading this I feel the strength and perseverance to hold on and stick to pursuing my dream. I hope it will also inspire you, wherever you are and whatever you are doing…:

Giving life to your dreams is like…. giving birth. Thinking about a good idea is the good part (hopefully), after this you will go through enormous amounts of fear, excitement, dreams, planning, surrender, growth, thinking you have lost your mind and are going crazy, thinking you are great, unstoppable, elastic and that you can change forms until you are unrecognizable to yourself and others.

Meanwhile you clean your own vomit, you rub you own sore back and you apologize to people you have ripped their head of during a hormonal temper attack. Still you stay on track, because deep inside you know that this baby of yours is going to be the absolute bomb! Then, finally, when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, the contractions starts!! Your intestines are turning and shrinking and they force you to walk like an idiot, being bent over in the form of a letter C. You are praying and cursing at the same time. Then, when you think it cannot get any worse, a gigantic head comes out of a tiny, little hole being pushed out of your body.  

Then a complete miracle takes place. 

To be able to change your life and to start a new life you have never lived before, your believe and your faith in miracles and in yourself must be bigger than your fears. How easy or awful the delivery of your baby might be, you have to be willing to fall flat on your face, not knowing anything anymore, seeing only question marks, rise again, looking stupid, crying, laughing, making a big, big mess of it all, clean your shit and don’t stop before you have reached your finish line. Don’t stop, no matter what…

 Love yourself, you can do anything…. 

Book: ‘’You are a badass’’, from Jen Sincero.

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